COLD NEWS #8

Eastwooding Nixon or Talk to the Chair 

(Cause There’s No One There)

Among all the airless theatrics found in Tampa nothing surpasses Clint Eastwood’s prolonged conversation with an invisible Obama. Not Condi Rice’s magical reappearance or Eddie Munster’s smiley faced speech or Ms. Mitt’s class identification crisis or Ayn Rand’s ghostly presence.

Beyond the worship of the wealthy vibe and the let’s get Obama narrative of the racists of the Tea Party, Dirty Harry’s improvisational screed was old school political performance art. Bill Mahr said it was the perfect metaphor for the GOP, “a confused old white guy talking to an invisible person.”

So, as a form of postbuttal, I’d like to offer some insight into some of the least talked about and still dead Richard M. Nixon, sort of a post mortem Frost/Nixon interview.

Nixon was smart, sleazy, savvy, and power hungry, with a five o’clock shadow that screamed, go fuck yourself to both friend and foes alike. He approached the shredding of Constitutional protections like the honey badger, he just “did not give a shit.”

Hunter S. Thompson famously described him as “speaking to the werewolf within us, on nights when the moon comes too close.”

MATT: Mr. Nixon, of all the Presidents who no one wants to talk about, why are you #1?

NIXON:  Well, I think you are absolutely wrong about that. No one wanted to talk about Bush Junior or Barry Goldwater or the brain dead Jerry Ford, not to mention Ronald Reagan, whose sole accomplishment seems to have been taking naps. By comparison I was the last real winner in the Republican Party.

MATT:  What do you think about Mitt Romney?

NIXON:  He’s just one of those frat boy bullies the GOP likes to push out every four years. Vengeful nerds with a lot of money and no balls.

I’ll tell you the difference between me and them.

They used to call me the “DARK PRINCE,” shit I even scared the hell out of that pansy J. Edgar Hoover. I was the master of vendetta, you didn’t fuck with me or you’d end up with the IRS in your business or the FBI tapping your phone. Hell my “enemies list” included the Kennedys and Martin Luther King and look what happen to them.

MATT:  What do you think is your greatest accomplishment?

NIXON:   I led the way for the GOP to become what it is today.

MATT:  What’s the most disgusting thing you did while you were in the White House?

NIXON:   I never wore underwear, I was 100% commando.

MATT:  What was your biggest secret?

NIXON:   I really was a werewolf.

MATT:  That would explain the beard. What do you have to say to Mitt Romney?

NIXON:   Go dirty early and think of me when the moon is full.

MATT:  Thanks Dick, go roast in Hell.