COLD NEWS #6

THE GOP: A FICTORIAL ACCOUNT OF A CONSERVATIVE COVEN OF THE USUAL SUSPECTS AND THE RUNNING DOGS OF THE 1%, Y’ALL    

The GOP convention opened in Tampa to the thunderous applause of comedy writers and prostitutes everywhere. 

I personally could not take my eyes off the minions of amnesia as they partied like it was 2001, or 1968, or 1980. 

It was a scene that portrayed a militant indifference to reality that would have been shocking, if we hadn’t seen so much of it during Bush’s eight-year misadventure or Cheney’s casual dictatorship. But then they ignored Nixon’s police state or Reagan’s indifference to everything except a homespun view of America.

This gathering had everything. There were lots and lots of white people, old white compassionate conservatives, wealthy white strict conservatives, really white neocons, socons, ecocons, and nearly white guys in both black and brown. There were real feminazis, and of course, the Ayn “survival of the fewest” Rand cultists, a reanimated Patrick Buchanan, Nixon’s head in a jar, a talking parrot named George Will, and Queen Of The Whip Condi Rice, trying to reinvent her reign of incompetence.

Beginning with the man who most resembled the Hindenburg, Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie, the Repugs opened with their “bench,” i.e., somebody with no criminal record or obvious paper trail of corruption. How rare is that? As an ironic aside, the Hindenburg crashed in New Jersey.

It was all uphill from there. Happy faces and apocalypse, newly discovered concern for debt reduction, and the usual NRA induced fear the UN or lots of black people were coming for their assault weapons. Fear, fear, fear, and did I mention fear?

What’s worse, they never got enough of it.

Then like a parody of a satire of a jalapeno suppository, fascinating, terrifying, ferociously delusional, Mitt and Paul’s straight-faced dedication to the middle class rivaled Bush’s first “Mission Accomplished,” except they believed they nailed the credibility thing.  But hey, aren’t they the same middle-classed people that Bain Capital tried to decimate over the last 20 years. Go figure?

The echo of Newt’s “Contract on America” and Ryan’s “Path to Prosperity” resonated throughout with thinly veiled social Darwinism. Mitt, who Maureen Dowd described as “a political bully marketed by political mercenaries,” came off like a guy who had forgotten that he enjoyed firing people.

I haven’t laughed this hard since the opening ceremonies of the London Olympics.  Giant inflatable babies, once again the Christie metaphor, dancing doctors saluting national healthcare, and stone age capitalists standing in awe of pollution, industry, inflatable sheep and slave labor. Mitt and Paul’s acceptance speeches were funnier by far.

So much left unsaid. Iraq War, Afghan War, Terror War, Patriot Act, Bush Depression, both I and II, the Vultured Economy, Hedge Fund Pirates, overly friendly Saudis (see 9/11), Homeland Insecurity, Orwellian Spying (see Patriot Act), TSA (naked grannies at check points), and vampire capitalism run amok (don’t ever expect any Repug to talk about that, ever).

I would feel sorry for the sadistic bastards, but they’re responsible for everything bad that’s befallen America. Remember, if you can, the 90’s economy before Bush, Jr., drove it off the cliff. I could compare it with what Hitler did to Germany, but at least Hitler brought their economy out of the Great Depression. That’s the reason Condi and her spiked heels went huge with this crowd.

Oh the humanity!