COLD NEWS #10

PROFILES IN PROFILE

WillardMittRomney (in one long run-on sentence)

Draft dodging, Ayn Rand loving, cognac-swilling schmoozologist to the really rich, 47% hating, survival of fewest possible, billionaire by other means, magical trickle down faerie

Non-fact spewing robot or obfuscating modular conviction unit

Loves America, but hates Americans, self deporting off shoring tax evader who would gladly pay more taxes if someone  really really made him, some of his best friends are women and corporations are women too, biggest Bain for the buck, but now just a Bain in the ass.

MEMORY HOLE #11

MEMORY HOLE #10

COLD NEWS #9

THE USUAL SUSPECTS: A PARABLE

Andy Mellon, such a decidedly friendly name for the misanthropic man who put the Pluto in plutocracy. “Pluto” being the Greek god of the underworld and “-tocracy” being the ruling elite.

Andy owned most of Amerika, the richest land in all of the world. Andy owned towns, factories, farms, ships, and banks. He owned most everything worth owning. He literally set the gold standard for owning stuff.

While America grew poorer during the Great Depression, Andy grew richer. He was worth more than the entire country. While half the people were homeless, Andy resided in castles. While the majority had little food, Andy held Roman bacchanals for his friends.

Andy was not a generous kind of guy; in fact, he was more “a don’t owe you a turd on Christmas” kind of guy. Once, his goddess Ayn “The Merciless” came to him in a dream and told him to kick those beneath him further down. Ayn said, “believe in yourself and only yourself.”

So Andy did. He compounded his worth daily and walked among the poor house, soup line masses like a Darwinian god. In his mind, he was the crown of his own creation. Ayn had justified his greed and gave him direction along the path to his manhood, and he would be foolish not to follow.

But even as Andy got his hubris on, Fate, as it usually does, was making other plans. Despite his position and power, he was still only a man. People need a village. He was only a member of a cult.

True, it was a very rich and influential cult, including the generals of sado-capitalism, J.P. Mortgage,  Pres Bush, and Henry “the Ford,” friend of Adolf, to mention only a privileged few. They were also followers of Ayn “The Merciless” and her teachings of selfishness.

When Fate acts, it is often ironic. Sometimes it gives you all you need, sometimes more or less, but there is usually an ironic twist involved. In Andy’s case, it came when he discovered he was just a man. No more intelligent or stupid then most and definitely not demigod material.

The biggest downer for Andy and most sobering was the realization that the social contract Ayn had derided as a show of weakness for the powerful, still held him in sway. When he died, he shared the most common bond with the most common people. The bond was as strong or weak as love or hate but still the connection was undeniable from egg to genome: “No man is an island.” He was far from a self-made man.

Memory Hole #9

Memory Hole #8

COLD NEWS #8

Eastwooding Nixon or Talk to the Chair 

(Cause There’s No One There)

Among all the airless theatrics found in Tampa nothing surpasses Clint Eastwood’s prolonged conversation with an invisible Obama. Not Condi Rice’s magical reappearance or Eddie Munster’s smiley faced speech or Ms. Mitt’s class identification crisis or Ayn Rand’s ghostly presence.

Beyond the worship of the wealthy vibe and the let’s get Obama narrative of the racists of the Tea Party, Dirty Harry’s improvisational screed was old school political performance art. Bill Mahr said it was the perfect metaphor for the GOP, “a confused old white guy talking to an invisible person.”

So, as a form of postbuttal, I’d like to offer some insight into some of the least talked about and still dead Richard M. Nixon, sort of a post mortem Frost/Nixon interview.

Nixon was smart, sleazy, savvy, and power hungry, with a five o’clock shadow that screamed, go fuck yourself to both friend and foes alike. He approached the shredding of Constitutional protections like the honey badger, he just “did not give a shit.”

Hunter S. Thompson famously described him as “speaking to the werewolf within us, on nights when the moon comes too close.”

MATT: Mr. Nixon, of all the Presidents who no one wants to talk about, why are you #1?

NIXON:  Well, I think you are absolutely wrong about that. No one wanted to talk about Bush Junior or Barry Goldwater or the brain dead Jerry Ford, not to mention Ronald Reagan, whose sole accomplishment seems to have been taking naps. By comparison I was the last real winner in the Republican Party.

MATT:  What do you think about Mitt Romney?

NIXON:  He’s just one of those frat boy bullies the GOP likes to push out every four years. Vengeful nerds with a lot of money and no balls.

I’ll tell you the difference between me and them.

They used to call me the “DARK PRINCE,” shit I even scared the hell out of that pansy J. Edgar Hoover. I was the master of vendetta, you didn’t fuck with me or you’d end up with the IRS in your business or the FBI tapping your phone. Hell my “enemies list” included the Kennedys and Martin Luther King and look what happen to them.

MATT:  What do you think is your greatest accomplishment?

NIXON:   I led the way for the GOP to become what it is today.

MATT:  What’s the most disgusting thing you did while you were in the White House?

NIXON:   I never wore underwear, I was 100% commando.

MATT:  What was your biggest secret?

NIXON:   I really was a werewolf.

MATT:  That would explain the beard. What do you have to say to Mitt Romney?

NIXON:   Go dirty early and think of me when the moon is full.

MATT:  Thanks Dick, go roast in Hell.